I’ve struggled the past few years to figure out who I am in the water. I’m not the channel swimmer or long distance swimmer I once was. I’ve misplaced most of my friends from that time in my life also. I’m not really sure what that means to my hydro-identity or where I fit in the swimming world anymore. I may get there again but not the way I was going.
I’m also working on healing the ravages that age, illness and overuse/underuse has wrought on my body and that life has wrought on my mind. I figured out I had to respect the process and the path much more than I was and understand ‘life balance’ is a lie, sometimes life kicks your ass over and over again.
I’m taking time to remember where I started and how I got to where I was as well as how I also stepped back. I’m building up not expecting to be there right now. Some additions to this journal might be old swims that I’m remembering as well as training and new swims as I build.
Instead of sitting on the sidelines this summer, I started to swim small local events to ease back and hopefully alleviate the panic attacks I’ve started to have around groups, swimming and venues. That has worked well this summer. I completed three local swims with no pressure on myself and thus far have evaded the dreaded tightening in my body, constricted breath and RUN message flashing in my brain. I don’t know if it will continue to work but so far it is a strategy worth pursuing.
As to where I’m going and will I find myself somewhere along the way? I’m not sure yet.
I just know that I feel better in the water and more at ease in the world if the water is a part of it. It soothes my mind and soul like nothing else does. There is still that competitive streak that comes up which surprised me a little in how strong it can be. So here is a place to record my journey again and relive old journeys also.